nuancesofblue

As a child, I was taught by my father that women were less than men, in all things. Even childbirth was snubbed as not something that women did better, but rather as something that God made women do, because is was degrading, and therefore beneath a man. I was taught that only men were allowed to be pastors, because women were weak, and were not fit to lead anyone, especially men. In my father's world, women were not even allowed to teach other women. In the church, a woman's place was with the children and in the kitchen. She was not only to learn silently, but the final spiritual authority in her life was found in her husband, or lacking a husband, in her father.

After my father left the picture, I did my best to throw out everything he taught me, and to start over. I read my Bible for myself, absorbing truth like a sponge, and doing my best to interpret scripture appropriately. I began to see that I was not worthless, or weak, and that I had valuable insight to be shared! I began to speak out, first to one person, then to many. I became active in my church and youth groups, striving to show others the love of Christ that had set me free to be the woman that God created.

I am married now, and for the first time in my life I see first hand the way a marriage should function. My husband and I communicate about EVERYTHING, and when we disagree, we talk about the issue until we come to an agreement. Sometimes I side with him; sometimes he sides with me. And if we cannot agree, we find a way to live in harmony, even so. Nick respects me, and does not put me down as inferior to himself, nor does he allow me to wallow in self pity when I FEEL inferior for some reason. He cherishes me, and values my opinion. When a life decision needs to be made, we both make the decision, neither of us deeming ourselves more important than the other. If we cannot agree on a decision, we wait, pray about it, and then reconvene. In the end, he does not force me to accept his will, if I do not have peace about his decision. I, in turn, do not force my will upon him.

Some might say that our method of decision making is not sound, because he is the head of our home, and the head of me, as Christ is the head of the church. But it's not about who is in charge in our family - it's about seeking God's will for our lives TOGETHER. If I feel strongly that we should do something, and he prays and does not feel strongly in either direction, he feels comfortable trusting my judgment. And if he comes to me with a decision that he feels is good, I am comfortable trusting HIS judgment. But if either of us feels that the decision is a bad one, we TALK about it and PRAY about it, until both of us are at peace with the outcome. We do not view this as unbiblical, because the Bible says that a man should love his wife (and love does not use force), and that a woman should honor her husband (and honor does not allow for a domineering attitude). Nick loves me AND he honors me - I do the same for him. Our marriage not only works, but it is a happy one.

The issue of women teaching in the church is one that I have struggled with my whole life. I have been a writer for as long as I can remember, journaling my thoughts and beliefs to try to understand them better. My thoughts on the role of women have been many, and varied, as I have sought to shake off the oppressive mantle of my father's beliefs, and gather my own. In my search for truth, I have studies many different topics, and have been amazed at the things revealed to me! I want to share those things with others, and not just with women - with everyone! My heart's desire is to draw others into a deeper understanding of the heart of God, and to help them find freedom in Him. But how can I do that if I am not allowed to be an active contributor in my church?

Aside from the beliefs of my father, I have been taught all my life that only men are fit to pastor a church. I have been taught that women lack the fundamental skills to lead a church, and I guess without realizing it, I have embraced those beliefs as my own. But when I read Paul's words I am at a loss. Some interpret his words regarding women (found in 1 Timothy, specifically) to be an invitation (and new opportunity, for that day and age) for women to become educated, and as an admonishment to not seize authority from those who are better qualified to lead, because of their education and knowledge, lacking in most women of that day. But others see it as a blanket statement that prohibits women from teaching or leading men in any capacity, especially that of church leadership, and a command for women to be weak and under submission to men at all times.

I do not understand why God would create women with minds capable of independent thought, and then force them to be under authority to men, who were created no different. The only read difference I see in the way men and women think lies in that men tend to compartmentalize, while women tend to combine. How does that make men better able to lead? And what about the women who have strong leadership traits, and the men who do not?

It seems to me that humanity instituted this male-dominant ideology, and not God. But what about Paul? Our theology is strongly influenced by his teachings, and his words are included in the accepted canon of scripture! So what am I supposed to do with a passage of scripture that says that I, as a woman, am not allowed to teach a man, and that this is because Eve sinned first, being deceived by Satan? Adam sinned too!

The logic I have heard regarding this subject, found in 1 Timothy 2:11-15, goes something like this:

"Because Eve was deceived by the serpent, and sinned first, women are not allowed to teach men, because they are easily deceived, and thus unreliable teachers."

The problem I have with this logic is that while Eve was deceived, thus sinning, Adam was not deceived, but sinned anyway. All sin is equal before God, but not before me, so how does this make any sense? Both Adam and Eve sinned, but for some reason our doctrines view Eve's sin, influenced by deception, though entered into by her own free will, as somehow worse than Adam's sin, which was made without the slim excuse of deception! How does this make any sense?

On top of that, what am I to do with Paul's further words regarding childbirth? He says in 1 Timothy 2:15 that women will be saved through childbearing, and only then if they are loving, faithful, and holy. My understanding was that we are all saved by grace, through faith in Christ Jesus! And if only men are saved through grace, and women are saved through childbearing, what about all the millions of women who never have children? I have heard some say that women are meant to have children, and that if they do not it is because of rebellion. But what about those women who are not physically capable of having children? If they can only achieve salvation through childbirth, why would God allow their bodies to not produce those children?

This leads to yet another sticky doctrinal issue: predestination. If God deliberately chooses those who will be saved, then the logical conclusion is that childless women were not predestined to be saved, which means that every Christian woman who cannot bear children is going to hell, and it is because - no matter that she professes to love Christ - she is not really a Christian. But does this make sense? Of course not! In fact, the whole idea of predestination makes not sense whatsoever!

If God chooses those who will be saved, the cross is meaningless. Those predestined for heaven will go to heaven whether they ever hear the name of Jesus, or spend their whole lives murdering, molesting, and thieving! Why be set apart to righteousness if you don't know that you are really saved? And how can you be saved to begin with if you were predestined for heaven from the beginning? Saved from what?

I am concerned with a lot of the doctrine that is common in the modern church. I am concerned with the words found in scripture that we ignore as "mysteries" because they do not make sense with the rest of scripture, and because our very souls cry out against them! I am concerned that there are thousands of women out there who love Jesus, yet sit silently by, never sharing their love, because they have been taught that they are inferior to men. And I am appalled that I have somehow remained in this mindset, even a little bit, as was pointed out to me after I wrote recently about women as pastors.

Do I think that women should be pastors in the church? I do not know. I believe that we are just as capable of knowing and teaching the truth as men. I believe that women have a great deal more to offer their brothers and sisters in Christ than just nursery care, singing, and a nice meal! I am sick of sitting on the sidelines when I have so much I want to share with my Christian family, and with those still lost and alone in the world! But more than anything, I want to obey God. And I need to know - why would God give me this passion for leading others into his presence if He wants me to be silent?

I want to know the truth.