nuancesofblue

Sorry it's been a while since I've posted. I guess I just don't have much to say that can't be said on facebook or my regular blog. I'm not going to close this one, just in case that changes, but I can't promise I'll be on here very much. If you want to follow me, of course I am on facebook, but I also write two blogger blogs. Here are the links:

http://hope-in-bloom.blogspot.com/
http://eatingsafe.blogspot.com/

I hope you'll follow me there, and comment? :)

I'm sick. That's pretty much all I have to say. I'm not dead?

As a child, I was taught by my father that women were less than men, in all things. Even childbirth was snubbed as not something that women did better, but rather as something that God made women do, because is was degrading, and therefore beneath a man. I was taught that only men were allowed to be pastors, because women were weak, and were not fit to lead anyone, especially men. In my father's world, women were not even allowed to teach other women. In the church, a woman's place was with the children and in the kitchen. She was not only to learn silently, but the final spiritual authority in her life was found in her husband, or lacking a husband, in her father.

After my father left the picture, I did my best to throw out everything he taught me, and to start over. I read my Bible for myself, absorbing truth like a sponge, and doing my best to interpret scripture appropriately. I began to see that I was not worthless, or weak, and that I had valuable insight to be shared! I began to speak out, first to one person, then to many. I became active in my church and youth groups, striving to show others the love of Christ that had set me free to be the woman that God created.

I am married now, and for the first time in my life I see first hand the way a marriage should function. My husband and I communicate about EVERYTHING, and when we disagree, we talk about the issue until we come to an agreement. Sometimes I side with him; sometimes he sides with me. And if we cannot agree, we find a way to live in harmony, even so. Nick respects me, and does not put me down as inferior to himself, nor does he allow me to wallow in self pity when I FEEL inferior for some reason. He cherishes me, and values my opinion. When a life decision needs to be made, we both make the decision, neither of us deeming ourselves more important than the other. If we cannot agree on a decision, we wait, pray about it, and then reconvene. In the end, he does not force me to accept his will, if I do not have peace about his decision. I, in turn, do not force my will upon him.

Some might say that our method of decision making is not sound, because he is the head of our home, and the head of me, as Christ is the head of the church. But it's not about who is in charge in our family - it's about seeking God's will for our lives TOGETHER. If I feel strongly that we should do something, and he prays and does not feel strongly in either direction, he feels comfortable trusting my judgment. And if he comes to me with a decision that he feels is good, I am comfortable trusting HIS judgment. But if either of us feels that the decision is a bad one, we TALK about it and PRAY about it, until both of us are at peace with the outcome. We do not view this as unbiblical, because the Bible says that a man should love his wife (and love does not use force), and that a woman should honor her husband (and honor does not allow for a domineering attitude). Nick loves me AND he honors me - I do the same for him. Our marriage not only works, but it is a happy one.

The issue of women teaching in the church is one that I have struggled with my whole life. I have been a writer for as long as I can remember, journaling my thoughts and beliefs to try to understand them better. My thoughts on the role of women have been many, and varied, as I have sought to shake off the oppressive mantle of my father's beliefs, and gather my own. In my search for truth, I have studies many different topics, and have been amazed at the things revealed to me! I want to share those things with others, and not just with women - with everyone! My heart's desire is to draw others into a deeper understanding of the heart of God, and to help them find freedom in Him. But how can I do that if I am not allowed to be an active contributor in my church?

Aside from the beliefs of my father, I have been taught all my life that only men are fit to pastor a church. I have been taught that women lack the fundamental skills to lead a church, and I guess without realizing it, I have embraced those beliefs as my own. But when I read Paul's words I am at a loss. Some interpret his words regarding women (found in 1 Timothy, specifically) to be an invitation (and new opportunity, for that day and age) for women to become educated, and as an admonishment to not seize authority from those who are better qualified to lead, because of their education and knowledge, lacking in most women of that day. But others see it as a blanket statement that prohibits women from teaching or leading men in any capacity, especially that of church leadership, and a command for women to be weak and under submission to men at all times.

I do not understand why God would create women with minds capable of independent thought, and then force them to be under authority to men, who were created no different. The only read difference I see in the way men and women think lies in that men tend to compartmentalize, while women tend to combine. How does that make men better able to lead? And what about the women who have strong leadership traits, and the men who do not?

It seems to me that humanity instituted this male-dominant ideology, and not God. But what about Paul? Our theology is strongly influenced by his teachings, and his words are included in the accepted canon of scripture! So what am I supposed to do with a passage of scripture that says that I, as a woman, am not allowed to teach a man, and that this is because Eve sinned first, being deceived by Satan? Adam sinned too!

The logic I have heard regarding this subject, found in 1 Timothy 2:11-15, goes something like this:

"Because Eve was deceived by the serpent, and sinned first, women are not allowed to teach men, because they are easily deceived, and thus unreliable teachers."

The problem I have with this logic is that while Eve was deceived, thus sinning, Adam was not deceived, but sinned anyway. All sin is equal before God, but not before me, so how does this make any sense? Both Adam and Eve sinned, but for some reason our doctrines view Eve's sin, influenced by deception, though entered into by her own free will, as somehow worse than Adam's sin, which was made without the slim excuse of deception! How does this make any sense?

On top of that, what am I to do with Paul's further words regarding childbirth? He says in 1 Timothy 2:15 that women will be saved through childbearing, and only then if they are loving, faithful, and holy. My understanding was that we are all saved by grace, through faith in Christ Jesus! And if only men are saved through grace, and women are saved through childbearing, what about all the millions of women who never have children? I have heard some say that women are meant to have children, and that if they do not it is because of rebellion. But what about those women who are not physically capable of having children? If they can only achieve salvation through childbirth, why would God allow their bodies to not produce those children?

This leads to yet another sticky doctrinal issue: predestination. If God deliberately chooses those who will be saved, then the logical conclusion is that childless women were not predestined to be saved, which means that every Christian woman who cannot bear children is going to hell, and it is because - no matter that she professes to love Christ - she is not really a Christian. But does this make sense? Of course not! In fact, the whole idea of predestination makes not sense whatsoever!

If God chooses those who will be saved, the cross is meaningless. Those predestined for heaven will go to heaven whether they ever hear the name of Jesus, or spend their whole lives murdering, molesting, and thieving! Why be set apart to righteousness if you don't know that you are really saved? And how can you be saved to begin with if you were predestined for heaven from the beginning? Saved from what?

I am concerned with a lot of the doctrine that is common in the modern church. I am concerned with the words found in scripture that we ignore as "mysteries" because they do not make sense with the rest of scripture, and because our very souls cry out against them! I am concerned that there are thousands of women out there who love Jesus, yet sit silently by, never sharing their love, because they have been taught that they are inferior to men. And I am appalled that I have somehow remained in this mindset, even a little bit, as was pointed out to me after I wrote recently about women as pastors.

Do I think that women should be pastors in the church? I do not know. I believe that we are just as capable of knowing and teaching the truth as men. I believe that women have a great deal more to offer their brothers and sisters in Christ than just nursery care, singing, and a nice meal! I am sick of sitting on the sidelines when I have so much I want to share with my Christian family, and with those still lost and alone in the world! But more than anything, I want to obey God. And I need to know - why would God give me this passion for leading others into his presence if He wants me to be silent?

I want to know the truth.

You know, I really want to just do something. I want to create - to feel! What I really want to do is scan all my photos and memorabilia into my computer, but I can't use my new printer until I get the USB cable to attach the computer to the printer. Aaach!!

I am so excited about once again living in my own home, I started an online wishlist at Walmart.com and have been adding to it ravenously. It is actually a lot of fun, and a good idea, because using this tool I can keep track of what I need and want for my home, and when I begin to aquire items, I can keep track of what I actually have, and not double up on items. And, it's fun! 

My Walmart Wishlist

When is it acceptable to use torture? According to some in high positions, that time is whenever it is convenient. I know the arguments that it saves lives because terrorist plots are revealed, but where is the evidence? And beyond evidence, what about the sanctity of human life? Just because a person is Arab, does that make him less than human? Of course not!

I think that there are non-violent means of making a person talk. Solitary confinement, for instance - being alone with one's self can be terrifying, but does it injure the person? Not at all.

I think that the Guantanamo Bay incident showed the world that we in America are not as life-loving and altruistic as we like to portray ourselves. I am ashamed of our government that they allowed such atrocities to occur, and worse, that they condoned and even ordered them! We may be a free nation, and enjoy privleges the rest of the world can only dream of, but that same freedom must be better monitored, or chaos will eventually take over. Who watches those men and women ordering mideval torture performed on our prisoners of war? And if someone is watching them, why on earth are they in power, who would allow such horrible atrocities? We've become as bad as those we fight against.

I don't have an answer for the inevitable question, "If not 'contraversial interigation techniques' (we don't use ugly words like, 'torture'), how are we supposed to get information from these prisoners, that might save American lives?" All I know is that toture, however you dress up the word, is morally repugnant, and should not be tolerated. Unfortunately, I have a feeling that we are only in for more.

My doctor, a Mr. Ted Bomengen, is an OB/GYN and he comes highly recommended, here in little ol' Thermopolis. This is due in part to his competence in his field, part to his engaging and caring personality, and partly because he is no stranger to the pain and struggles of infertility. His wife had one child - a girl - and then tried unsuccessfully for another fourteen years to get pregnant again, before they finally gave up and adopted an adorable baby boy.

According to my doctor, the first step to over coming infertility is to get the woman to resume normal ovulation, and that this can be acheived in some 80% of women just by losing 10% or more of her total body weight (assuming she weighs enough for that to be safe). So that, as you will see below, is the first step. After that, it is purely a process of elimination, hopefully - but not always - ending in conception and finally birth. How many of his patients sucessfully carry a baby in the end? He wouldn't answer, shifting the conversation back to the Steps.

Steps to Overcoming Infertility: Part 1

• Follow the recommended diet for diabetics, as laid out by the American Diabetic Association.
• Do not consume any liquid calories, what-so-ever.
• Walk briskly for at least two miles at a time, five days per week.
• Do thirty minutes of arobic exercise daily, five to seven days per week (swimming laps is recommended).
• Lose a minimum of 10% of your total body weight.
• Take a prenatal vitamin daily.

Personalized Additional Steps

• Take 1500mg Metformin daily, in two doses, morning and night.
• Take 75mg Levothyroxin daily (for hypothyroidism), adujusting dose as directed by doctor, as needed.
• Center myself emotionally, and reduce my daily stress.
• Perform daily ovulation test kit for twenty days per month, starting on cycle day ten, charting results.
• Chart basal body temprature, recording results.
• Have unprotected sex every other day to maximize chances of conception.

Steps to Overcoming Infertility: Part 2

• Once normal ovulation is restored, begin first round of Clomid.
• Repeat at higher doses for total of six months, if needed.

Steps to Overcoming Infertility: Part 3

If normal ovulation is not restored, or Clomid fails for six consecutive months to result in pregnancy, the following may be tried, in order:

• Exploratory surgery to check for fibroids, endometriosis, blocked fallopian tubes, and malformed uterus.
• Surgery to correct any found issues.
• Another round of Clomid, possibly accompanied by an injection of another fertility drug.

Steps to Overcoming Infertility: Part 4

• If pregnancy still fails to result, In-Vitro Fertilization, or IVF, may be tried.

Steps to Overcoming Infertility: Part 5

• If IVF fails to result in pregnancy, or if patient experiences repeated miscarriages or spontanious abortions during any of the above steps, foster care or adoption are recommended.

A moment ago, I was sarcastically attacked because I dared ask a rhetorical question about the legality of what appears to be an AK-47 in a friend's picture on Facebook. Evidently, I am the enemy, because (and this is the assumption of the young man's, not my own opinion, necessarily) I think that no one should be allowed to own firearms. Ironically, I do not believe any such thing! But if I shared my thoughts on the matter with this individual, I am fairly certain I would remain the enemy. Why? Because while I think that people should be able to own and use hunting rifles, and even other weaponry, I think that a national firearm registry is a really good idea. After all, would YOU want a madman hiding out in your area, and be unaware that he owned a sub-machine gun?? Not me! I personally do not see any reason that a person would need to own an assault rifle, uless he or she intended to kill someone. You don't hunt with them, right? That's what hunting rifles are for! So why should they be legal, if their only logical application is murder?

Some people might argue that just because they own a non-hunting firearm doesn't mean they are going to kill someone, and they are right. But why would you want to own something you can't use for it's logical purpose, and that will make other people scared of you? Yes, they are interesting objects, but is that worth the alienation and fear they inspire in others?

I am tired of the attitude prevalent among the fringe element of our society, that violence is the answer to things with which they disagree. If our country turns to socialism, or some degree thereof, how will violence solve anything? Will it not make you the devil you seek to destroy? And even if you are all talk, and don't actually intend to kill anyone, and your weapons are just a front to intimidate those who are not sure if you will hurt them or not, don't you realize that this attitude screams, "Do not touch my ideas of liberty, or my wrath will destroy you!" How is that a good thing?

In the end, I am just tired of people who take every opportunity to attack others for perceived slights and insults. Can a girl not ask a simple question, out of surprise, without being branded a Communist? Can I not politely state an opinion without being derided as unitelligent or foolish? Can I not even be a Christian without being accused of all sorts of things with no evidence that I hold those ideas? In an age when tolerance is the byword, and diversity the norm, I find it interesting that unless I follow the party line, I am not allowed to think or to speak. I find it equally fascinating that as a Christian I am expected by some to be judgemental, violent, and uninformed about things like science and history - and that opinion, though with markedly different viewpoints, seems to be shared by the conservative and the liberal alike. Can these people not see that they themselves are making assumptions based on stereotypes and a lack of information? Whatever happened to asking an individual their particular beliefs, instead of assuming you know everything about them?

I would privately talk to the cheating spouse and tell them that I know what's going on, and that they need to come clean. I would let them know that if they have not done so by the end of the week, I will have to tell my friend myself. I think letting a friend go through life thinking their spouse is faithful when they're not is cruel. It's better to hurt in the moment than to have pain follow you indefinitely.

I think that everyone deserves the chance to earn a second chance. I also think that it depends on the situation, honestly! For instance, forgetting to pick up milk on the way home from the office is very different than cheating on your spouse, or committing a crime. And to make it even harder, there are degrees of a wrong, and each requires careful scrutiny to determine the appropriate reaction!

Case in point: Someone in my life has lately (over the past year) proven himself to be deceitful and sneaky. He has done a lot of things that have hurt his family, and so far cannot or will not see the effects of his actions on those who love him. Do I think he deserves a chance to redeem himself, should he turn around at some point? Yes, I do. Do I think he deserves to be trusted at his current level of continued disregard for the feelings and welfare of others? Most certainly not. But should he at some point decide to behave in a trustworthy manner, demonstrating over time that he has put his dishonest and thoughtless ways behind him, I think that is entirely appropriate to extend a "second chance."

Conversly, another person in my life is currently serving time in prison for child molestation. Should he ever be trusted with another child? No, he should not! But what if he goes through counseling, confesses all, and turns over an entirely new leaf? Still, I believe the answer is no. Why? Because there are some barriers that should never be crossed, and once crossed that trust can never be recovered. A child's life and wellbeing should never be subjugated to the chance that someone may not do to them what he has already proven himself capable of doing to others. Does that mean I think he should be disallowed from viewing pictures of his grandchildren, should he ever have any? No, I don't think that either! But I think that should only occur in the even that he demonstrates repentance for his actions, and seeks forgiveness of those he has wronged. In that case, and following some serious counseling, I think that it would not be innappropriate to let him view pictures or even video of his family that he lost. I don't think this is a popular view, but I personally believe it is a good one.

Many times! When I was little, my sister Jessica would pinch me every single St. Patrick's Day, whether I or not I wore green, and she rarely ever did it only once. One year, I had black and blue pinch bruises from my elbow to my shoulder on one arm! I'm not even kidding! Now days, if someone tries to pinch me, I give them the "death glare." Most people are smart enough to move on after that!

The Aristocats, and Labrynthe (with David Bowey). I still love Labrynthe, much to my poor husband's dismay!

I have a tendency to ramble, and yes, I have tried to curb my verbose recitation (kudos, Nick). Unfortunately, unless I am talking one-on-one with someone, the opportunity to be the speaker in a group makes me nervous, and when I get nervous I ramble. Why do I get nervous? Because, having a low voice, I have a very hard time getting a word in edge-wise in a group, so when I actually manage to get the group's attention I am so surprised I almost always forget what I was going to say! It's vicious cycle.

Every morning I wake up, pull my husband into my arms, and kiss his face until he wakes up. Regardless of how I am feeling, I try very hard to make his happiness a priority. I love Nick more than any other; he makes my life beautiful - should I not cultivate beauty and love in return?